On Tuesday, doped to the eyeballs on Tylenol with codeine, I headed down to the doctor. He confirmed my suspicions and wrote me a prescription for antibiotics and more appropriate painkillers. I pleaded for narcotics, but he told me they do more harm than good when one has a sinus infection, causing rebound headaches when they wear off. The doc also recommended a three day treatment for motion sickness that would help me get through the spinny days I'd have while waiting for the swelling in my ears to go down.

 

I went home with my newly adjusted chemical cocktail. I brewed up a pot of tea, put on the flannel jammies with the penguins on them, and settled down on the couch to watch some daytime TV.

 

I'm not a "women's magazine" kind of person. I dont read Cosmo or Vogue, though I've been known to flip through Vanity Fair or In Style at the checkout stand. I mention the magazines because the first show I watched, The View, was all about the women's magazine market. If you're not familiar with The View, it's four women sitting around a table talking about "issues."  On Tuesday they were discussing, at lightning speed, women who are unfaithful, Twiggy, that fashion icon of the 60s who says that current models make her feel fat, dressing your age, and what to do about mean friends. The guest star, Patricia Healy came out to talk about her new book, but what she really wanted to talk about was her plastic surgery. She'd had her breasts lifted and a tummy tuck and was very proud of it. I stared at the television in horror as she talked how exhausted she'd become of having to diet for the Emmys ever year. This year she wasn't going to do that. She had surgery instead. Hello? What about getting a dress that fits?!

 

I turned off the TV and went to bed. I slept for a few hours and when I awoke, foggy headed but rested, I turned on the TV again, just in time for Oprah. Oprah's show was about women who are fighting against their age and don't accept themselves as they are. They profiled two "regular people" the first was a woman who refused to let anyone see her without her makeup, who was terrified of losing her looks, the second a woman who would tell no one, not even her own family, how old she was. One of the women was 38, the other was 40. (I'm turning 39 in January.) Oprah had invited Jamie Lee Curtis as her guest. Jamie Lee has created a media sensation by taking off her makeup, stripping down to briefs and a sports bra, and getting herself photographed for a full page spread just as she actually is. Jamie Lee admitted to having had plastic surgery in the past. Her take on it: It's GROSS! She went on and on about how disgusting it is and how, in the long run, it doesn't work.

 

Last week, before I holed up in the house for a little germ warfare with my body, I went with some gal pals to hear Anne Lamott read from her new book. Anne Lamott's parting words to the audience were "don't wear pants that hurt you and wear shoes you can run in. You don't see men in high heels and shoes that you can run in, you can also dance in."

 

Well, thank god there are people around like Anne Lamott and Oprah and Jamie Lee Curtis. I've spent the last few days in my house feeling pretty sick. But I also feel pretty healthy. Lord knows how I escaped the damage that the media is all set to do to our subconscious. My clothes are comfortable and my shoes are flat. I own almost no makeup. Sometimes I'd think I could be thinner, but then I just go exercise more. I'm walking around the planet in a pretty flawed package, but everything in it works just fine okay, except the sinuses right now. I felt really sorry for those women on The View in their three-inch heels. And for that woman on Oprah, who, at age 30, was getting botox injections to hide her nonexistent wrinkles. Did she really think she needed them?

 

I'd like to see a celebrity cage match: Oprah and Jamie Lee against the hostesses of The View. That would be good television. If they broadcast it during the day, it would give me something good to watch while I'm home sick. Yes, thanks, I'm feeling better. But it turns out I was feeling pretty good all along.